Thursday, July 13, 2006

I have been growing so much in the last few months - like crazy. On every level aside from the physical. It's funny how there are seasons like that. Seasons of drought and seasons of rain. Seasons where you feel dried out like nothing's happening and seasons where you learn everything you missed in the dry season seemingly all at once.

Last night I had a funny realization. You must know - lately I've had a lot of "dreams" and scary "daydreams before bed" about scary spiders the size of my head living in my bedroom and trying to eat me (shudder). In a physical sense, that's pretty much impossible unless it was a spider on experimental comic book-like sterioids. In a real sense, however - it's amazing how much damage certain types of spiders can do. The Camel Spider, Flesh Eating Spider, Black Widow... so so small in comparison to me, yet their poisons and capabilities are so harmful.
What I felt like God was showing me is that there are a lot of things in our lives that are seemingly small but effect us in huge ways. Whether it's some sort of TV, music, credit cards, certain friends, karaoke, buffets, I don't know - there are a lot of "poisons" we let in because we see them as small and aren't looking for danger. Everyone has different weaknesses.
I'm hecka never going to live in a hole away from all the world - but what God's been showing me lately is that there are things I have overlooked in my life - especially things like the entertainment I choose (TV, movies, music, etc) that feed negativity and/or temptation into my life. Things I've just about immersed myself in.

"Everything is permissible"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"—but not everything is constructive." 1 Corinthians 10:23

Is it all-out wrong to watch MTV or listen to rap or whatever else you've heard people say? No way, I don't think so. Everyone is weak in different areas, but we are ALL weak in some area. What I need help in learning to do is to weed out what's not beneficial. I don't want only what's permissible - that's not the life for me.

What are the spiders in your life?
Mine (a few): tv, radio, lust, wasting money.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

I love days like this when you laugh so hard and can't remember why the next day. :]

Big sale at work started yesterday - I only got one thing (so far) & gasp, I have a deadline. I'm making something to wear on the beach trip in less than 2 weeks. Can I do it? I hope so, or I'll be wearing a half finished sweater over something else ;) More details later.

Monday, July 03, 2006

written by me, when I was 4 & learning how to read:

i luv mi cat (i love my cat)
becus he is nis too me (because he is nice to me)
i lik mi cat (i like my cat)
mi der cat (my dear cat)
mi poolr ber (my polar bear)
mi day alon (my day alone)
mi vakshin (my vacation)
mi tev (my t.v.)
my noo haoos (my new house)

I love the innocent imagination of little kids... ignorance of simple things like spelling and grammar :) hah. spelling phonetically is the way to go, right?

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Worthy is the Lamb who was slain,
holy, holy is He
Sing a new song
to Him who sits on
Heaven's mercy seat

Holy, Holy, Holy
is the Lord, God Almighty
Who was and is and is to come
With all creation I sing, Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything and I will adore You!

Clothed in rainbows of living color
Flashes of lightening, rolls of thunder
Blessing and honor, strength and
glory and power be
To You, the only wise King

I'm filled with wonder, awestruck wonder
at the mention of Your name
Jesus, Your name is power,breath and Living Water
Such a marvelous mystery

I love this song.

I went to ICLV tonight. I've been going more often, I don't know what God's doing if anything but I feel like I should be there so I've been going. Simple. lol. I love it there. God is teaching me a lot about everything in life. I can't even begin to write it out right now. There's so much to say. Basically I'm just growing more in love with everything God is in my life... my eyes have been opened to things about myself that I didn't really notice before. I like attention. Sometimes I do things with the intent of getting attention. I don't like that about myself...'cause I don't want a single foothold for pride, all I want is to bring Jesus much... pride is something I despise....I haaaaate it and I hate that there's any of it in me, but honestly there is and I need God to weed that junk out.

There's a lot on my mind and on my heart. I definitely appreciate all and any prayers... also please pray for my boss and the people at my work, that I will be able to make a positive impact on their lives and be a vessel for the holy spirit. I don't know how much longer I'll be working there, and I want to leave having left a mark that might lead them closer to God... I want that so much, I don't want to let fear captivate me.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Suddenly, I don't fit where I used to. My 'puzzle piece' has shifted and I can't be shoved into the same spot anymore. I just don't fit.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

I wonder where I'm going. How can one road seemingly stretch as far as the eye can see, yet I know its end will be as swift as one heartbeat...and as unpredictable as the weather? You hear on the news promises of clear skies, and moments later rain begins to drip. You never know. Where does my road lead? Is it even my road to begin with? Just because I'm walking on it that doesn't make it mine.

Lately I've been questioning, how long will I even be in the States? Sometimes I just want to get out. I don't want the life that my mother wants for me, as much as I love and respect her vision and her compassion. I don't want the life that so many people live without questioning. I don't know how long I'll be here... how long "here" will be here. I'm done caring what people percieve me as. My only concern needs to be pleasing the Lord, and being true to who I am - who He's created me to be. I don't want to wait until I'm 25 to live out the truth that what people think doesn't matter if it's different from what God thinks.

For a long time I thought I knew much more precisely where this road was headed... I hated it yet enjoyed the comfort. That's kind of how I feel about living in the states. There's so much that I hate about the mindset of this culture, yet I enjoy the comfort... but life isn't about being comfortable. If you want to grow, and you're not growing correctly where you're at - you have to be uprooted and planted somewhere new. Whether physical or spiritual, I know I'm going to be uprooted before too long... Lord, I trust your plan.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

"unless the Lord builds the house,
its builders labor in vain.
unless the Lord watches over the city,
the watchmen stand guard in vain.
in vain you rise early, and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat -
for He grants sleep to those he loves."
Psalm 127:1-2

God is in control, baby. I could try my hardest to succeed, but in the end, it's the Lord that makes a plan succeed or fail. I love him.

"look at the birds of the air;
they do not sow or reap or store away in barns,
and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. are you not much more valuable than they?"
Matthew 6:26

God is in control. He will take care of your needs, and some of your wants... in America, our culture is all about money - unless a venture is lucrative, it's not worth investing your time in. It's "OK" to spend all your money on Starbucks and eating out and buying expensive clothes. It's "OK" to send 'good thoughts' in the way of those who need help - and then turn back to your own life. This world is temporary! Nothing really matters! This life is a dream that sooner or later we're going to wake up from.

Although I most certainly don't live by ALL of his words, Mahatma Gandhi said "Be the changes you want to see in the world" - I think we need to live in that way. Don't bash the goverment for not doing more to aid the Hurricaine survivors when you are hardly doing anything yourself. Everyone dislikes a hypocrite, especially those who are hypocrites themselves. I am a hypocrite way more than I ever should be. I need God's power to help me to change... but we need to stop accepting mediocrity and our American self-centered values. "Acceptance is the first step towards recovery" - we need to accept the disgusting values we have held in the past. This life is temporary. It won't last forever.